okashikuroda

She cooed to the child, feeling an instant sense of maternal instinct, hugging the child closer to her bosom to protect her from the chilly weather. A lump developed in her throat, and as she tried to swallow it down, tears formed in her eyes. why was she crying?  It was happening again, this irrational, unusual feeling of loneliness.

She always tried to keep herself busy, rushing between classes and work and family commitments, but she rarely had that chance to self-love, self-reflect, and just...be herself. She was too busy playing the role of mother, daughter, wife, and stay-at home housekeeper, that she had lost her self. The self that loved sports and going outside, running around and climbing mango trees to savor the ripe, juicy fruit and trying to avoid being scolded by her parents. The mischevious self that would taunt her siblings and yet love them all the same, the one who threw spitballs in class, yet studied hard in her classes despite her limited English.

She was just...empty. She nestled the infant closer, trying to warm her body and ease the pain of her heart. It wasn't her anymore, not as happy as she used to be. Just...it was her duty, her role that she had to fulfill. Of course, she did love her family, and she loved every moment of it- watching her children learn to walk, enjoying some wine or beer with her husband after a hard day of work, calling up her parents and laughing as they talk about their problems with other family members- but she was unhappy about her self.

There were days when she would be alone for hours, in the house, with nothing to do. Husband left for work, children were dropped off at school. What then? Chores were done- dishes, vaccuuming, sweeping, laundry, bills, etc etc- and grocery shopping was already completed. She then lay on the couch, flipping through channels, feeling her brain go numb with the repetition.Soap operas. The woman developed a disease, and her husband cheated on her. But once he found out her condition, he decided not to tell her, and left the other woman. Revenge from the other woman? A threat to tell the ill wife about the affair, unless he left his wife. A conflict. A horrible, dreadful situation, but more interesting than her own life. She supposes she could watch this.

It became a daily ritual. Flipping to the soap opera, letting her brain tune out and turn off, watching the conflicts and wondering if her life would ever become different. Exciting at least. Perhaps an adventure, with no arguments about money or sick children to tend after.

Was this all there was to her life? 

The Housewife Syndrome.

This feels the same as before.

I can't tell.

so silent.

straight faced, emotionless.

being used is a cycle,

female dependency, low self-esteem,

unaware of the truth.

maybe, just maybe,

but then again,

it happened before,

"segundo."

I had to step back and think.

What is this?

So unrealistic,

so transient,

fleeting,

unknowing.

I've never felt more...empty.

"But when the heart breaks no it don't break even."

My heart goes out to anything, anyone that touches it.

Recently, it's been through a lot. Ups and downs, loops and twirls, stillness and pounding.

Sometimes, I wonder if it needs a break. But I can't do apathy. Not really. Even when I pretend not to care, one can tell that I'm pretending, and not telling the truth.

For the past week, my heart has been going out to a stray. Yes, a somewhat dirty, skinny, old, not that cute, aggressive/shy stray cat. We saw her one afternoon in our backyard garden, hiding cautiously under a fruit tree. Excited, us three teens poured some milk into an old Disney bowl that we've had since grade school, and approached the cat quietly, extending a friendly hand.

At first, she fled to the corner of the garden, I suppose because we were strangers and of course we didn't seem trustworthy to her at the moment. However, we left the bowl of milk on a stepping stone and retreated to a distance, watching and observing, curious to see what would happen.

She slowly, carefully, approached the bowl. Sniffed the edge, then the liquid inside. After what seemed like an eternity to us, she started lapping at the milk with her tongue, drinking as if she were a traveler who found a pond in the middle of a desert.

We were estatic. We were even more so when she came towards us, aggressively leaning against our legs and purring happily, walking around us and curling her tail around our legs. She let us pet her, and she even head bumped my first (apparently, a sign of friendship when dogs do it, so I think it means the same thing). I was so happy, I finally had a pet!

But then came the problem. She started coming back. Which wasn't a bad thing at first. That night I fed her rice and milk, but she hardly touched the rice. She finished the milk. The second day, I fed her milk and water, but she wouldn't take it, and kept meowing instead. So I took some ham slices from the fridge, ripped them into small pieces, and put it in a bowl. She ate it. Success! But then she meowed for more. I fed her more, petted her gently, and was given a quiet purr and a rub against my leg. Thank you.

Eventually she left that day. I breathed a sigh of relief, and went to my internship. When I came back, I looked into the backyard to find her in the garden, looking at the house, resting in the shade. When I looked back after an hour, she had disappeared.

I thought she would've gone back to her owner. But alas, she came back that second night, which resulted in feeding her a chicken breast. She devoured it like a hungry man, even licking the bowl clean. My brother started getting annoyed by the cat, saying things like "we should get rid of it somehow." I suppose that was his way of protecting himself from caring about the cat, since he's usually such a soft-hearted person.  I, on the other hand, wanted to keep it, somehow, some way.

Slowly, I started getting this bad feeling about the cat. My sister and I examined the cat without picking her up. She had two scratches on her nose, was shy towards people, and had a rugged corner on her ear. My mother asked the cat to "stay" when we went inside the house, and it did exactly as told. It sat in that spot, and waited for a bit. If we came back, she would watch us and sit back up. If not, she would wait for a while, then leave.

My mom said the cat probably was a stray. Abandoned by its owner. Perhaps even abused.

It sounds almost normal, hearing the word "stray cat." But it still shocks me, even moves me to nearly tears, when I hear "abused." Few people know that it can go hand in hand. Cats can be abandoned and/or abused by previous owners, causing them to run away or be dropped off somewhere so they can't come back home.

It tugs on my heartstrings when I think about it. My mom said that's probably why the cat is so loving to us, why she's so obedient to us, and why she meows loudly when our windows are open and when she knows we're home. We showed it love, and have been trying our best to care for it, and she gives us purrs and rubs against our leg in response, in thanks.

It makes me angry when I know that there's people out there, who treat animals horribly, especially when they don't deserve it.

And it makes me sad when I can't bring her inside, where it's warmer, filled with light and comfort, and is a true home.

I need to find this cat a home and a family. ): 

But until then, I'll try to be the best family I can for this cat. Who knows what she's been through.

And...it makes me appreciate my family even more. Who love me unconditionally and help each other through any struggles. I love us.

Every summer, I realize too late that I should've done something with my summer. More often than not, I end up cleaning, organizing, and more cleaning from when I get up to when I go to sleep. That, and some naps interrupted by one thing or another. I make goals, but then being at home prevents me from accomplishing those goals- we have to go visit these people, or do these things, or find a house and try to sell this one. Every. Summer. 

But eventually, it ends up being this: 
1) Visit people, get frustrated, family drama, etc. 
2) Do something new to the house, but it ends up being a terrible job (i.e. paint job, carpeting, etc)
3) We keep looking for houses, but finances, busy-ness, and procrastination ends up nowhere, back in square 1. 
4) I get frustrated and it builds up, eventually ending up in tears or argument. 

At least this summer I've had to go to San Diego to sign the lease for my apartment, and had training and shifts for my internship. Those times give me the small breaks I need away from home, since my brother's teenage attitude annoys me, and the house's lack of organization bugs the daylights out of me. 

And of course, those short but memorable moments with bf and friends are <3 

Anyways, today I accomplished a wonderful thing: Organizing my clothes. So here's the story. My two aunts, along with my mother and our family friend, give me a huge amount of clothes that they never wear anymore. Old shirts, business clothes, slacks, jeans, etc etc. Being the thrifty saver I am, I've been keeping these clothes (let's say...about 30-40 pairs of pants and other miscellaneous articles of clothing), hoping that I'd eventually fit into them, that they'd come back into fashion, that I'd eventually get a fancy business job somewhere and be able to wear that dress suit with a matching jacket. But alas, I've kept these for at least two years, and haven't worn any of them. 

So today, I tried each and every one of those jeans, and tossed into a donation bag the ones that: a) weren't fitting me properly, b) were too long or too short, c) were out of style (i.e. mom jeans, etc.), d) I would never really see myself wearing. 

So tomorrow, off I go to the thrift store! Hopefully someone else will make use of these pants, instead of it cluttering the space under my brother's bed. (: 

Eventually, I also hope to:
a) organize all my makeup/jewelery/etc
b) Organize all my math notes. 
c) Sort out 3-4 weeks of clothes for college, and leave the rest in a Space Saver bag at home. 
d) Make myself throw out shoes that I don't wear anymore. 

Well, cheers to productivity and planning! With Google Calendar and Sticky Notes, I am determined to be better at time management! 

 As a third year, I feel the overwhelming sense of doom. Or rather, crushing responsibilities. Rent, groceries, gas, schoolbooks, apartment furnishings...all I want to pay by myself, without parental help. But the problem is finding a job, and balancing that job with school, internship, and org events and meetings. I'm hoping it'll all come together, with a LOT of help from Google Calendar and Sticky Notes (which I've been using for my internship and for to-do lists), but I need a planner.

Of course, I've already looked for a school planner. When Staples had their Back-To-School Sale, I was hoping to find a cheap, but efficient planner that would help me organize all my exam dates, homework for each day, org and board meetings, and days I have to work and intern. But my goodness! They're more expensive than I had imagined. Some planners, which were smaller than my hand and had lines so small I could barely write on them, were going for $5-7! The ones that I had in middle school, which I had obtained for about $10 from the school, were going from $15-70, depending on if you wanted the refillable planners (??) or the leather-binded, sturdy ones. What happened to affordable education? Oh right, I'm in California going to a university with too many fee raises and budget cuts. Should've listened to my parents and gone abroad for schooling. But we'll see. Apparently sometimes they have free planners on campus, so I'm hoping to get one of those, now that I'm on a tight budget. 

Anyways, let's tackle one thing at a time:
1) textbooks! I got an email back from my professors, so I know which edition to get and that I don't need any university readers. Yay! 
2) job apps! I need to keep applying and applying, every day. 
3) Internship! I need to schedule more shifts and keep track of hours, so I can get ahead and go into the pediatrics department that I want <3 Also that way I won't fall behind the weekly 4 hour shift requirement when I go to school. 
4) Find out how to get a parking permit for apartment. I'm terrible when it comes to parallel parking, and I feel nervous when I park on the street. At least if I park in the parking lot then my car will be safer? 

I'm not posting this as an advertisement, nor am I getting paid for blogging about this workout video. Just to inform readers if it works or not. 

I admit, I've been through it all pretty much. Weight lifting, running, elliptical, cycling, Tae Bo videos, Jane Fonda videos, etc etc. 

In the end, however, I feel that all of those work. The problem was that I wasn't sticking to a program, or a set goal. 

When I heard of the Slim in 6 workout series, I was immediately interested. I heard about it from soompi forums, and how soompi members tried out the program for 6 weeks and found some amazing results. Thus, I was hooked. I obtained the workout videos, and tried it out for a week, doing only the first workout video- Start It Up! and the 10 minute abs videos.

Whoo. I feel so sore today. I encouraged my family to try it out too, and they felt the burn as well. As the phrase goes, "No Pain, No Gain" right? 
But then I realized how simple the exercises were, and how anyone could put together a workout routine. The reason why these videos seem to work is probably because it encourages people to stick to a daily workout routine. It's easier, in a way, for people to work out if they have someone telling them to do it, or if they have friends or family doing the program with them. 

So in a way, I guess it does work. I feel my stomach more toned and flatter, and my whole body feels sore. I have more energy than before, and I crave less junk food and more fruits and veggies. Of course, it's only been the first week, and there's five weeks left in the program. Let's see how long I stick to this though (: 

 Today I had: 
breakfast
2 hash browns (150 calories each)
two toast and butter ( about 200 calories) 
1 cup tea (100 calories maybe)

lunch
ramen (I have NO clue :P )

post-lunch
1 cup tomato soup and some cheerios (100-200 calories?)
2 cups iced coffee (...300 calories?)
1 grilled cheese sandwich (200 calories?)

dinner
kimchi fried rice (...?)

hmm. I honestly don't feel like I eat much until dinner comes around and I eat til my stomach feels fat T_T Since we're trying to get rid of food from the fridge so it doesn't go to waste (i.e. leftovers), I had to finish a lot =_= But no exercising today, other than a bit of walking. 

Tomorrow is my shift for CCE. An actual shift in Glendora hospital. Hope it goes well. I'm getting nervous. :x 

P.S. I'm grateful for everything. (: 

So I've been struggling to keep my weight down for years. Entering high school, I was about 120 pounds, but after tennis camp in junior year I averaged 115 lbs. During senior year, I dieted and lifted weights and did sit ups and wore heels every day, and pushed my weight down to 104 lbs, but I ate small portions and drank a lot of tea, which may have stunted my growth, according to my parents. 

But after high school and entering college, I started out at 115 lbs again, and gained another 20 pounds, growing to 135 lbs currently. ):

I tried dieting and exercising every day from beginning of summer, successfully going to 128 lbs, but somehow I gained it all back. 

I'm getting so frustrated with this. Especially since my clothes aren't fitting anymore and I have to leave my favorite jeans in the closet, gathering dust. Along with my favorite Jcrew pink shirt and H&M shorts. 

However, I've noticed a bit more muscle in my legs and arms from lifting weights. And less of cramps during my period. So in a way, I suppose I'm making progress. 

Hopefully, with a diet and exercise plan, I'll be able to reach a weight where I feel most comfortable. 

More later.