Date: 2009-11-17 14:43 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public Mood: calm Music: Mint Car- The Cure Tags: anger, friends, stars

I was known in my family as the child that "cannot be handled." A problem child, so to speak. Not as bad as those children who throw tantrums in the store, but more like the child who made everyone worry, had no fears whatsoever (except of the dark) and was a daredevil. Kinda like Ramona from the Beverly Cleary books, or Junie B. Jones (which my younger sister reads ALL the time).

Yes. I was that child who went into the cupboards when my mom was busy on the phone and spilled canola oil on the floor. And the child who wanted to pick up mango boxes at the age of 2 and dislocated her shoulder. Twice. And purposely did not pass the GATE exam to stay at my school with my friends in the my class.

But it seems like, as I've grown up, past elementary school 'kick-dirt-at-each-other-and-play-dress-up," through middle school "carefree, tv-every-day-phases", and beyond high school "worrying-about-everything:-SAT1-A-ND-2-TESTS-IBTESTS-APTESTS-DRAMA-IN-FRIENDS'-RELATIONSHIPS,,,(you get the point)," I've become more calmer, learned to suppress anger, control it, not talk back to my parents anymore (like I did in my "rebellious stage" and just...chill.

But there are some things that really do bring back my hot temper.

Jerks and liars are one thing. It annoys me to bits when they sit in front of you, smilling and lying with their teeth, and expect you to not notice or care. It's more irritating when it's obvious, to EVERYONE except for that person.

Cheaters are on my list too. But...that's self-explanatory.

Being inconsiderate is another. (these all sound like typical boyfriend-jerk qualities, right?) Again, self-explanatory. I always try to think before I speak, because I'm afraid of hurting someone or making someone uncomfortable. Because, as we all know and have experienced, awkwardness is a social conversation killer, and hurt feelings will continue to bug someone for as long as we keep thinking about it. So it's not too hard to stop and THINK if your words will affect or hurt anyone you're talking to.

Mm. Global warming (and the melting of ice caps, deforestation, etc) makes me angry too, but it's not really relevant here.

Anyways, if I get VERY angry, you'll know right away, because generally, i'm happy-go-lucky and shrug things off if they bug me. Like when my friend accidentally added stuff to my chemical solution in laboratory. Most people would be upset about it, but I just shrugged it off and said that's okay, mostly because she felt bad about it.







...

On an ending note, I saw five meteors today, this morning. A wish popped in the back of my mind, but I didn't say it. I just enjoyed the view and forgot my wants and worries for the moment. (:

Date: 2009-11-09 14:30 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I just think it's weird that my friends from high school might not get along with my friends in college.

Just a thought. especially with them possibly meeting soon, this weekend.


It's just a different environment.

I honestly, truly feel that I liked my suburban bubble.

Date: 2009-09-11 15:54 Subject: a student's problems. Security: Public Location: in the kitchen! Mood: exhausted Music: Lost- Michael Buble <3 Tags: college, food, money.

So my dad just told me that UC fees may have another 32% hike next year, bringing undergrad tuition up to over $10,000K (without additional fees and housing). http://www.mercurynews.com/breaking-news/ci_13311456?nclick_check=1

It makes me regret not going to a private school, once again.

Public schools are public for a reason. It allows low- and middle-income students to better afford a college education, right? Well, these continuous fee hikes are obviously disregarding this fact.

It also seems to go in a circle. High administrators keep a fat paycheck in their pockets, and give themselves raises, while the rest of society has to go through this budget deficit. Low- and middle-income families lose jobs, get paycuts, get furloughs, pink slips, etc, forcing kids to take out more loans for education or even giving up college to help support their families. Thus, when this is all through, (or if it'll ever be through), these kids are neck-high in loans and debt, have trouble finding jobs in a poor economy, etc. And the circle continues.

It's absolutely frustrating and terrifying when I hear my father getting issued furloughs and paycuts, when my mother and  I going to college, and another two siblings already in middle and high school. Sometimes I feel like giving up and sticking with a four year degree and not med school,  and staying at home to help pay for my siblings' education. Which I might do. I have to see how this goes. My parents say not to worry, that they'll handle all of this, but I can't help but feel bad for going to college sometimes. I just have to  hope that my degree and work experience will pay off in the future.

I suppose the best I can do is write letters to the administrators asking for less of a tuition increase, though I doubt they'll hear anything of it. So I'll just find a better paying work-study job and scholarships and hope it'll cover whatever's not covered by loans and grants...

And maybe my Thrifty Asian side will reveal itself and help me out now. Like buying 99 cents shampoo and conditioner (V05...green tea), and making things last the whole school year (like shoes and whatnot). I need to start budgeting and planning as well. I plan on taking both summer sessions, and studying abroad in Japan (my dream!) but I need to start saving up. Like...NOW.

Goals: Refrain from being a shopaholic, find a decent paying job, balance job with maybe rushing/clubs and school, and get hella scholarships.

GO GO GO.


In lighter news, I'm going to try and make Japanese crepes today. I'll post photos later (if I remember to). \

As for music, I love Michael Buble! <3 his voice is so smooth and calming and romantic (: 

Date: 2009-09-08 15:36 Subject: Thoughts on houses, cleaning, and traditional views on housewifery. Security: Public

The day to move back into college life is fast approaching, yet part of me wishes it couldn't come faster enough. Though I love summer sun, hanging out with best friends from high school, and generally lounging about and reading romance novels and gaming all day long, I miss learning. Of course, I seem to be the black sheep among my friends, because when I say this they give me an odd look and wonder if I have a life.

Of course I do! I just like my mind being ACTIVE, always running. That's why I miss high school I suppose- I was required to think every day, given assigned homework every day, and had teachers that I could talk to about the subjects without being bored or lost. It makes me rethink my major and consider becoming a high school teacher instead ("the profession that teaches all professions," as my aunt says). Don't think I hate college professors or anything, but the ones that I've had, though they seem genuinely interested in the subject they're teaching, they seem forced on the teaching part. As if they're only doing it for the money, as a side job to research, which I have heard is for the most part, true. It makes me regret going to a research university and not going to a small, private one---

But that's another rant, which I'll put off to a different day I suppose.

Anyways, since I've been at home for most of the summer, I've been cleaning the house every day, organizing and reorganizing things, finding myself exhausted at the end of the day and grumpy to the point of wanting to drive out and get a coffee late at night  to calm me down. Our house is VERY small, and seemingly MORE so for several reasons: 

1) We have little/no organization in the house- most in my family are avid book-lovers, and thus we shuffle books from one place to another, from one bedroom to another, to the hallway bookshelf, to the garage book boxes, and back. We do the same thing with magazines, cookbooks, and even toys and little odds-and-ends.

2) We attempt to "Keep Up With the Joneses," i.e. having a bigger couch, a nice big study desk, etc, but end up using more space than we need, and buying things that we eventually start to dislike and not even use. Fabulously Broke in the City has a great post on this topic, which I read and spotted many things in our house that we don't even use or need anymore. http://www.fabulouslybroke.com/2009/09/jonesing-aka-keeping-up-with-joneses.html

3) We have things that we don't need, such as old children's books and tools and fabrics, but we keep for memory's sake. Or that we might POSSIBLY need in the future (aka have used rarely, but in such an event that...)

4) We don't work together. Being a family requires teamwork as well, and that includes chores, cleaning up messes that are spilled on the floor, etc. But somehow, I end up cleaning spots on the kitchen floor that neither sibling will confess to, and empty water bottles left on the table instead of being recycled. Also, because of being in sore need of organization, one sibling will complain that "this book" doesn't belong in his/her room, and will shuffle it to another bedroom to make his/her room more clean (or rather, have more room).

Thus, I am left to washing dishes, sweeping floors, cleaning up and organizing the fridge, making my siblings beds sometimes, and then left to throwing my hands in the air and giving up for the day. I'm a neat, clean freak, but even all my tired efforts couldn't exterminate those darn dust bunnies- also leaving me with allergies for a while. ): 

On another note, when my grandparents came to visit, I was somewhat annoyed by the fact that they were proud and cheerful when I  cleaned the house and made khichidi (yellow rice) and apple pie, but not impressed when I told them how involved I was in high school and how much volunteering I had done. It makes me wonder what I've gotten myself into-

And Thus comes the dilemma. My grandparents, and elder relatives in my family, are surprised-and dare I say shocked- when I told them I was striving to become a pediatrician, a doctor. They ask me what I'm going to do with my life after college and medical school, and to that I promptly reply, "move in with mom and dad, and take care of them until they get old." Which is what I want to do. They've taken care of me for this long, and longer in the future, and the least I could do is take care of them and stay with them. And because I would miss them if I moved far away, and because I love the smell of my mom's chai tea in the morning, the only tried-and-tested method of waking me up without being grouchy.

The main point is, I have a relative who was in a professional job (i.e. business, doctor, lawyer,etc) who gave it up to take care of her children full time, as a stay at home mom. Which is great, because that's what my mom did, and because of that I learned my alphabet, my numbers, and how to read, all before I entered Kindergarden, which was quite a feat back then.

On the other hand, I have another relative who is expecting and has a full time, high position job, yet she says she'll hire a nanny and go back to work full time. Which I suppose is great as well, because then she can afford the things that she never had, which is why my mom is going back to college to get a degree--so my siblings and I can afford the things that she couldn't have.

I calculated years. My mother married when she was 23 or 24, similar to all my aunts and uncles. I'll be in my second year of medical school at that time. She had me two years later I think. If I'm lucky, I start working when I'm....29? 30? I don't honestly know for sure. But even then, if I get married and have children, will I have to quit to take care of them? What about my med school loans, my reason for becoming a pediatrician in the first place? 

It sounds odd, I know, to think about this, in this decade, at my age. But, as always, my grandparents' traditional housewife views make me feel pressured to find a shorter, less demanding route,  instead of grad school or med school.

What do you think about this? 

Date: 2009-07-19 17:52 Subject: "Summer Sun Is Lots of Fun" Security: Public Location: At home Music: I Ran- A Flock of Seagulls Tags: summer, unproductive

I had a shirt with this saying on it. I used to love this shirt, until I grew out of it and the design started peeling off.

But I honestly need to get away. I can't study or write or think or do physics or chemistry in the house. It's kind of tiring. I get yelled at because I look unproductive, and when I look productive someone tells me to do something else or another.

I Ran- A Flock of Seagulls

My song at the moment.

Date: 2009-07-19 14:48 Subject: Decisions? Security: Public

So these are the classes I'm going to take in fall quarter:

Chem 6BL (the dreaded Chem lab)
Chem 6C (to get an A to overwrite that...bad grade I got T_T)
OChem 140A (with Albizati, I'm somewhat excited for this class even though I don't particularly like chemistry at all..)
Physics 1B (self-explanatory) 
Physics 1BL (Physics Lab...hopefully as easy as 1AL hehe xD)

Unluckily, the genetics class I wanted (Genetics 100) overlaps with my physics 1B class. but I suppose, I should take all the classes I dislike NOW, so I can have a beloved quarter with all the biology I want <3

Sometimes I wish I went to a university where I could simply take Biology and Math and English classes, but MCAT requires Chemistry and Physics so i guess I have to endure it. Maybe love it, if I push myself into it enough.

In other words, summer is...uneventful. I had so much planned for this summer. Get house, go to Six Flags, Knotts, etc, study physics and work out and get abs, etc. But it's not going as planned- or rather, not at all. I'm kind of disappointed, but I suppose we learn from everything we do/or not do?

I feel like writing some Tasuki and Miaka stories. Or maybe some story not Fushigi  Yuugi related? The Janet Evanovich books that I've been reading...have spurred my creativity again.  One of the many reasons why I love reading XD

Grr. I feel confined. I need to go out and write in a corner in the library. I have so many ideas but I keep losing them because I keep getting interrupted in my thoughts.

Reminder of what I need for MCAT: 
1 year of GenChem
1 year of OCchem
1 year of Physics
Chem lab
1 year of GenBio
1 year of Calculus

Helpful stuff:
Anatomy
Physiology
microbiology
Genetics
Cell Biology
Bio Chemistry
Essay Writing
Philosophy
Politics

Just.....a reminder. Stuff to consider for this year.

Date: 2009-07-11 14:11 Subject: Old and New, but never the same. Security: Public Mood: content Music: Seishun Amigo- Kame and Yamapi (: Tags: friends, friendship, thoughts

Friendships are bonds formed between people; companionship, comrades, not just classmates.
I've learned so much about what the word "friendship" really means, over these past years.

Friends are not merely classmates,
they don't just ask for notes, and cheat off your paper and wink at you.
They don't abuse your heart, rip it out, or make you regret anything you've done.
And they certainly don't put you down, use you, or make you question yourself.

True friends study with you, even if they hate studying.
They call to make sure you're okay, wish you the best of luck, and check up on you for good measure.
They nurture your heart, help it grow and blossom, and are the first to put a bandaid on it.
And they absolutely, truly, are friends forever <3.

Date: 2009-06-30 21:18 Subject: Summer...fun? Security: Public Location: at home Mood: awake Music: after tonight- justin nozuka Tags: friends, home., reading, sadness, summer

I have a love/hate relationship with these summer months.
Why? I often wonder that too.
I love the feeling of summer, of warm heat spreading over my skin and cool air conditioning flowing through my hair and over my face. I love spending time with friends, seeing my brother and sister and becoming closer to them than when I'm away, when I'm busy with school, work, projects, etc. And I adore spending late nights in my room, thinking and writing and talking to friends late at night. "The deepest conversations happen late at night." 

But it's much more different, this summer from previous ones. Friends have gone away to distant places, others have other friends, others are busy most of the time. I don't have privacy anymore, no room to myself, and thus little space to think and write. I feel confined, constrained, to a limited time between 9 AM and 10 PM, where summer nights include staring at the ceiling, listening to music and waiting for my eyelids to droop slowly, slowly, until I fall into a deep sleep with no worries, no boundaries. I have to put on a mask all the time to hide my thoughts, from my parents, from my siblings, from anyone who can see. It's frustrating, not being able to sing around the house, feeling too shy to sing my heart out. And not being able to think the way I want to, in a sense. I clean, clean, read (slightly), stretch, etc etc, and repeat. I feel like I have the Housewife's Syndrome, having this....mundane lifestyle every day. People crave this freedom, this timeless space in which I have so many things I can accomplish in, but it isn't freedom at all. It's all-encompassing, smothering silence, waiting for me to acknowledge my boredom, waiting for me to break out into song to break the silence (or rather, the drone of the television soaps). I thrive on action, on spontaneity, on friendships, relationships with people, interacting with the human world. But when half of these people have gone, what is left?

I hate to not think, in a way. I love thinking, analyzing, pondering, turning things over to no end and giving it no rest. I love reading books, delving into novels like diving into a pool, a nose dive. I love stepping into characters' shoes, putting myself into drama and action and adventure and never stopping to take a breath, falling asleep with this book under my pillow and my head in the story, reliving the novel in my dreams. But even reading Dracula, I find it hard to concentrate. So many things to do, so little time. Help make dinner, clean up, help around the house, read some organic chemistry, help my brother study World History, listen to my sister's stories, clean up some more. 

I have to ask to drive, have to ask to hang out, have to ask to buy this or look at that. It's odd in a way. People say that eighteen is the age when children grow into adults, but in a way I feel pressured to stay a child at home. And it makes me want to push against my boundaries even more. There's a study on that I believe. Children being pressured and overprotected by their parents stray more from their boundaries than those who are less protected? The ones who are given some more freedom and responsibility show more growth into an adult than those who are confined, constricted, pressured by the "Asian-sentiment" and thus stay at home and take classes instead of venturing out into the unknown to grow stronger mentally and emotionally.

But besides that, overall I wish I could find my own space. I need to escape, to the library, the bookstore, so I can wander among the bookstacks and find my own small niche, a small cornerspace with a chair or couch, so I can curl up and get lost in the world of Transylvania or the age of the Greasers and Socs. <3

Date: 2009-05-11 15:43 Subject: Goals in life... Security: Public Mood: thoughtful

I have many of them.

I want to accomplish all of them.

Nothing, and no one, will stop me from achieving them.

All of them revolve around caring, loving, family, etc.

The job I want, is all about caring for others, children, families, etc.
I want to teach, learn, help others grow, walk, talk, live life with less worries...

I want to tell everyone how fabulous calculus is, how you can take a curve and find the area underneath it.
I want to show kid patients an x-ray of their leg, let them hear their own heartbeat, and teach them the wonders of biology and medicine.
I want to help kids grow, develop, become healthier kids physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It's just, what I want to do.
Volunteering isn't a waste of time, it's not "slave labor." It's helping others that need help, that won't really ask for it, and just going out there and doing what's right.
So when people volunteered all four years of high school at a hospital "because it looks good on a college app," and even though I tell my own brother to start doing this for the same reason, it's the wrong reason. I did it for two years, because I wanted to see what it's like working in the environment I will work in later on in life. I tutored three years because I felt good when students would finally get a concept, like how DNA is replicated or how the Citric Acid Cycle works, or how to even read the textbook because it's in English and he or she was from out of country studying in the United States. I worked at the library because secretly, I've always wanted to be that old librarian, who looks strict and has glasses, but really is sweet at heart and helps kids find the books they want to delve into reading for hours in the corner of the library on a comfy couch while their mothers are looking at movies or magazines to borrow.

It's a matter of perspective, and growing up, I think.

And I admit, I'm still growing, learning, achieving, making mistakes and standing back up again every day of my life. I look back on my old xanga, on my old journals from elementary school, from middle and high school, and I just laugh at what I used to think and write down. I feel so much older (in a good way, trust me), that from what I've done, experienced, learned through my years growing up, I can advise others sometimes on what to do. Sure, I've grown older and perhaps a bit too quickly from what my parents or what anyone would have liked, but it's okay. I've...matured enough to understand this, that every day I need to focus on my goals, and make good friends for life, to have good connections with my family, and to just...learn from mistakes, to grow from my previous self, and to be able to look back in life and see that I've positively changed. And I can see that difference is huge. But I know that I will continue to make mistakes, continue to change, because that's what life is about. If I stopped changing, I know something is wrong.

I'm glad I'm able to talk to my mother about these things now. I've always been reluctant to tell things to my parents, especially my dad because he's always so stressed out from work and home and family things, that I don't want him to share this extra burden. So I don't tell him anything. With my mother, I didn't want her to be disappointed in me, as a daughter. I didn't want her to know that I have faults, that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes and it takes me so long to learn from them. Above all, I didn't want her to worry about me- she's always worried about me when I got a pink cast on my leg, when I had friend problems throughout schooling, when I got bad grades on my tests and I would cry when I showed her. And when we talked, I got frustrated because she was worrying so much about me, that I told her not to worry about it, I can handle myself, I know better now. But when I think about it, I would have done the same thing to my daughter or son. I would have stayed up and worried about it all night, I would have called often afterwards, threaten to take him/her home and go to a school nearby, so I can look after them.

I just don't want to be a disappointment. To my parents, to my family, or to myself.
And I think that's another goal, unconsciously buried under all the other things I want to do.
I want to learn, live, love, laugh, and just...be myself. and every day I'm learning to do that, and to not disappoint myself. I love being happy, I love making other people smile, I love being content at home, and at school. and i just want to keep it that way. And I think, by achieving all my goals, I won't disappoint myself. Eventually, I hope I will find someone who loves me for myself, I'll have my perfect job treating kids and making sure they get better through being a pediatrician, and I'll have kids who I'll have to lecture about the very same thing my parents always lecture me about.

And this is something I wouldn't have said even a year ago. I can tell, just from writing, just from talking to my mother, my father, my closest friends and family members, that I've changed, for the better. Heartbreak, mean friends, bad grades, self-consciousness over weight gain and loss, they're all a part of growing up. And I see it in everyone else as well, all ages. By far, this is something I wouldn't have seen in high school. I guess college does change a kid, but at least for me, it's in a good way. :) And most of all, I'm grateful that I have such a wonderful family and friends, and I'm glad that I've worked so hard in high school to get to one of the top science universities in this country.

Date: 2009-05-08 14:56 Subject: friday, and no love. Security: Public Mood: sad Tags: love, people

in fact, I feel like...i'm starting to fear it.

Like in typical dramas or movies, the main character is hurt and when she gets close to someone, she backs off because she's afraid of getting hurt again.

...I'm just...hoping my movie will have a happy ending.

Date: 2009-05-05 03:33 Subject: 3:40 AM on a tueday morning Security: Public Location: dorm room, 3: 46 AM Mood: sleepy Music: all of the above (: Tags: love, music

and i'm royally stressed out about midterm and chem quiz and catching up   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtrEN-YKLBM

i fail at staying on task and stuff. ): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNQRfBAzSzo

I love friendships but i'm afraid of losing them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNqO5wV7dOs

I need to find a job, in this bad economy, during the summer and get ahead in school and just...in general, work hard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbt30UnzRWw

I can't wait for summer, and enjoying the randomness and the heat and strawberries and shorts and lemonade and just, enjoying life <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blcvkFqeKac

I love randomness, just putting this out there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg

I'm afraid of loving, and i can't help it. i'm afraid of cheaters, liars, guys with bad intentions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1nRwtI77KQ
but i won't tolerate it either, and i'm being careful just in case. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSG4Cml7HXs
and I won't put up with it at all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR5xv3pt7KI

but i'm hoping things will change for the better... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip1zsUIosoA

and i'm waiting for when friday comes (: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSmfNxmaQHc

Date: 2009-05-01 12:46 Subject: Week 5 Security: Public Mood: grateful Tags: family, friends, school, ucsd

Week Five has ended, and we're halfway through the quarter. I can't believe how much I've grown over the past year: family, friendships, general knowing, street smarts, and learning to enjoy life.

I've grown in my relationship with my parents- they're much more understanding, and i feel like I can tell them almost everything now, compared to previous years when I was always afraid/reluctant to tell them about my friendship problems, grade problems, etc.

I've made wonderful friends here since fall quarter, and I've been able to maintain great friendships with old ones too. It takes effort, to get in touch with old friends, friends from high school and a friend in the Navy hundreds of miles away, but it's worth it, and it helps me remember how beautiful my life is. I write letters to my friend in the Navy, and I talk to friends from Canada, Taiwan, New York, Irvine, and even at home. My friends here are awesome, and I can't imagine my freshman year without them. I just remember fall quarter feeling alone, even with bonding moments with my suite. But now I have never felt closer. <3 Especially a certain group that can be wild and hilarious when we get together and plan things ;)

I've learned a lot from this year, and as it's ending, I can't remember how I was like before it. Street smarts are going to come in handy, and I have some idea of what my next four years at UCSD will be like. (: I just have to follow my heart, as cheesy and cliched it sounds, and just remember that "when you do something you love, you won't have to work for another day in your life."

Date: 2009-04-22 00:13 Subject: To Sum Things Up... Security: Public Location: dorm room Mood: stressed Music: the heart of life- john mayer Tags: friends, school., ucsd

Some people can be understanding, others are not.

Try to stick to commitments,even though your eye is burning like crazy. (too tired to rant right now).

Dating is forcing yourself to move out of your comfort zone- meet a person, get to know them, etc. I honestly don't like dating- no one else I know likes it either. People would rather just....immediately be in a relationship (like in high school..) than date people first. But it kind of makes sense.

So I suppose, it's about giving things a try- seeing who is out there,etc. Everything is uncertain, and it's so hard to plan things based on your different schedules. But if it works, it'll be worth it, right? Just have to push yourself a little and see what happens.

I'm hoping this goes well. (: 

And, with advice from friends, I'm being careful too. I have my limits, my boundaries, my walls to protect me. I'll knock down some, but I'll still have some up. I apologize if I seem "apprehensive" or "shy," but I'm just shy sometimes, and I'm trying not to be afraid of anything, but still. please be patient, and i promise i'll try my best (: 

Schoolwork is loading up faster than calories from a BigMac on someone's thighs. (i made that up haha).
Stressed to the max, drinking gatorade, no caffeine, little food, 19 units and work and seminar and job-hunting and planning for our get-together and keeping in touch with people and treating my eye every six hours and dating and forcing myself to do so many things...

I just want to relax and spend some time in a jacuzzi. or at a theme park. or just...reading a good novel on a warm sunny day.

The weather is beautiful, but I can't appreciate it just yet. So many things to do, so little time. I need more hours in a day, more days in a week, less deadlines and more opportunities.

Even if it sounds horrible, I still love it. that's college life.

Date: 2009-03-29 00:24 Subject: in the back of my mind Security: Public Mood: lonely Tags: heartbreak., life, love

it reminds me,
to sum it up:
"i'm afraid i'll never be able to trust someone with my heart ever again."

Date: 2009-03-06 12:49 Subject: today i am... Security: Public Location: dorm Mood: frustrated Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana Tags: overwhelmed, sick, ucsd, wish., work

Tired
Grumpy
Sleepy
Hungry
Sad
Frustrated
Overwhelmed.

...

I am...

sick,
job-hunting (for summer)
internship-hunting (for summer)...
frustrated with this hunting thing..

overwhelmed
finals looming
papers flying
back cracking
soup zapping

I just want to...

sleep for a while,
go home and rest,
have REAL soup,
and forget everything for now.

Date: 2009-02-23 17:58 Subject: AAL and Music Reference part of the library. Security: Public Location: At Geisel studying for midterms Mood: touched Tags: happiness, people, problems, ucsd

I found a place to study in the library that isn't jam packed with everyone from the colleges studying for midterms. The basement, or the arts and music library, is a good place to study if you're going to Geisel. Of course, the seventh and eighth floors are supposed to be dead quiet (no talking or eating or people will glare at you), but i realized that if everyone goes to those floors during finals week, the coughs and hushed giggles and crumpling of papers accumulate into an orchestra.

But before I forget, I wanted to share something I saw today that brightened my day.

I was on the balcony of our suite, overlooking the street near our building, when I see a car stall in the middle of the street. The owner of the vehicle kept trying to ignite the engine, but it kept failing on her. The car kept lurching forward, then stopped, then backward, then stopped.

But then one of the drivers at the traffic light got out of his car and ran to help her, giving her instructions what to do and how to get it safely near the sidewalk. And it worked.

Most of the drivers just drove past her, not even bothering to stop and ask for help, but that one guy had the good heart to help someone who needed it.

Seeing people like that make me wish I saw more people like that. I rarely see people do good deeds out of the kindness of their hearts, but when I do, it makes my whole day seem more positive and optimistic.

Date: 2009-02-17 15:49 Subject: multiple thoughts on this rainy/ partly sunny day. Security: Public Location: dorm room- ucsd Mood: busy Music: Don't You Want Me- the Human League Tags: finance, friends, reading, school, ucsd

This post may be rushed and/or disjointed, but it's because my mind is blank, yet has so many small thoughts and ideas running around in my head.

I'm reading this book, The Autobiography of Yukichi Fukuzawa, for my HILD11 (East Asian history) class, and in it he describes his experiences during the "closing of Japan," the "opening of Japan," the Meiji Restoration, and how he was a student at the Osaka school. Something strikes me when he describes his passion at learning the "Western ways" and how he copied chapters on electricity in Dutch, and then later translated it word by word in order to learn about how the Dutch used electricity. He goes on to talk about how he, as a student, would be mischevious, and escape narrowly from trouble, yet study harder than in people from other schools. Even though Japan, at the time, had a "closed country" policy, and disliked/feared all things foreign and Western, he studied Dutch intensely because he enjoyed it; he had a passion and curiosity for the language, the culture, the very idea of learning about things that were beyond his comprehension at the time, things that were nowhere in his own nation of Japan.

His passion in studying made me feel something. It...somewhat reminds me of how I am sometimes, with science and math. With my brother, who loves to take things apart, especially electronics, and figure out how they work, then try to put them back together. My first microscope, which I used to look at slides with, and then make my own slides and examine those too.

When I was younger, I used to participate in science fairs. As usual, my mother helped me set up the experiment, and then we would stay up late (or even the morning of) and put together the presentation board and take it to school. I would be fascinated with these experiments: 
Which solution cleans pennies better, salt and vinegar or soap?
Which laundry detergent is better at forming crystals with? Liquid or alum?  (i forgot how the exact wording went)
The standard volcano experiment.
...and other ones I don't remember at the moment.

But the thing is, people (or rather, my friends and classmates) used to complain at how much they hated school, how much they hated learning. One person in particular hated school so much...but i won't get off topic. I would agree and nod and say that I hated it too, that I wanted to work already and finish schooling, but the truth is, deep down, I love learning. I hate the tests, the quizzes, the finals and midterms. But the idea of it, the concepts, the calculus formulas and the Planet Earth videos we watched in class, I enjoy the most. If I didn't have school, I would study it all myself. (except maybe Chemistry- or maybe I just have a horrible teacher and TA that discourage me from learning the subject). 

So thus, I have decided that I want to take Genetics next quarter. An upper division class, but biology is my favorite subject. So far, I've been taking classes that I need to take, whether for Marshall College requirements or for GEs or whatnot. But maybe if I take an actual class of my major, then I'll remember how much I love my major, and stick with it. And, I might take some math or an education class too, so I can tutor at OASIS. and/or an upper division psychology class, for my writing breadth (because psychology is fascinating too).

Books inspire me, and let me rethink my life.

In other news, I'm 18, but I haven't done anything 18-ish. I don't smoke, and never will (because it reminds me of someone, and because it's unhealthy and I want to live to see my kids get married off and have kids, and to be a good role model for my siblings), and I don't watch pr0n, and I can't vote for president until another four years, am i correct? o.O I don't really know what people do at 18, but honestly, I feel all the same. Except I have FAFSA deadlines looming over my head, and my first paycheck is coming up soon, and I just learned how to deposit a check at an atm machine.

Along with that, I need to plan for the summer, whether it's an internship, or volunteering, and/or working and taking classes. And to teach my brother math, and general "how-to-get-into-a-good-college skills," or just...the "formula," as I think of it: join clubs you're interested in, volunteer, work, study hard, get good grade, get good SAT/ACT scores, learn to write a fabulous essay, and read read read. Find something you're interested in. Or at least, that's what collegeboard tells all high school students.

Another random note, I realize I don't have as many close friends here as I thought. I try to force myself into friendships, but then I realize it doesn't come naturally as it did in high school. my best friends I made in middle/high school, and we keep in touch so often, we talk about our lives, our college experiences, our hearts, our minds, our souls. But here, it seems different. Maybe because I've seen the bad in people, I find it hard to trust others? Or maybe the magicalness isn't here; i haven't found a best friend, or "bestie" to click with here. or maybe...you can only have one or two best friends after all? 

And, on a more, strictly economic/financial note, first paycheck = money into my account. But i'm in college, and I realize I don't really need those 50-100$ pair of Uggs that everyone has for rainy and cold days. living in Southern California, rain hardly comes, but when it does, it pours. But that's only...a month or two out of the whole year. Perhaps, I should buy some cheap rainboots instead, and wear double layer socks if my feet do get cold? What about that nice pea coat from forever21, or JCPenny, that everyone has? it looks nice and warm, but I don't want to dish out 30+ dollars for a popular jacket when I have my rainjacket and my nice, 8 dollar sweater from clearance JCPenny.

Should I invest my money, so it doesn't end up sitting in a bank for the rest of my years? When should I start planning for retirement, for savings fund, for a college education fund for my future kids, for a house/apartment (kinda getting ahead of myself here ^^; ) I mean, for tuition, for loans I'll have to pay back eventually, for study abroad someday, for my parents health, my future car (in third year, I might get one). High-yield account? Invest in stocks? What?

We are in an "economic crisis," as a couple of my suitemates say. And they're right. I feel guilty for looking at those nice, classy black heels when I already have two of different heights and I don't have a professional job to wear them to, and only wear them for going out with friends. Do I need anything? Not really. So I suppose, I should take an economics/business/finance class to figure out what to do finance-wise. That way, at least I know what I'm doing, right? (: and learning is always a plus.

okay, back to cramming my homework in before dance class and work 9-12. (: 

Date: 2009-02-10 18:10 Subject: Manic Monday Security: Public Mood: confused Tags: degree, future, happiness., school, ucsd

just another day, i believe.
but so far, not ...bad?
Goals:
1) lose weight, be more healthy
2) get good grades for the rest of this year (no Cs)
3) make more friends through MASA tomorrow.
4) save money @.@
5) find a job for summer, and maybe internship/research position somewhere.


Now that I have my goals set straight, here's the big puzzle. I've always wanted to be a doctor, a pediatrician. My mother says that too- that I loved playing with my doctor's kit and helping people get better, and I've always loved biology. I love studying and learning Biology.

In sophomore year, I started tutoring after school in my high school's library. I tutored once a week on as many subjects as I could remember, from basic chemistry to AP biology to basic spanish to english and U.S/European/World History. I loved tutoring, and I did it for the rest of my high school years, every week. Even now, I love trying to help friends solve math problems and remember biology concepts and facts.

But now, being in college, I don't know what to focus on. I could be a pediatrician, or I could be a teacher. As far as I know, I can't do both at the same time, so I have to choose between two things I love. What do I love more? What would I still love later on in life? Do I have what it takes to be a pediatrician? (Yes, I'm sure I do.)

Don't take this as a sign I'm getting scared of med school admissions and thinking of an alternative route. It's not like that at all! I love both tutoring and biology. math and biology. I love kids, and I I love teaching and feeling the full, happy feeling when they start understanding the concept and it shows on their face, and learning biology and how our life works (biologically speaking, but I'm afraid I don't like chemistry too much).

My college, Thurgood Marshall College in UCSD, offers a public service minor, with emphasis in four areas. Two of those areas are Health and Education. In either area, you do volunteering work for credit and write a paper on it, or better learn in a specific area what work is like. Again, what do I choose?

In conclusion, I feel a little lost and upset. They tell us, throughout those years of schooling, to "expand your horizons." But, all I feel is pressured to fit one idea and shrink my whole fiber, my whole being, into one narrow path for the rest of my life.

Date: 2009-02-07 12:37 Subject: "Come Fly With Me" Security: Public Location: dorm room Mood: cheerful Tags: dance, family, friendship, home

Sixth College Semi-Formal is today! (:

Date: 2009-02-04 02:28 Subject: sleep Security: Public

I wish I had my magic wand so I could wave it and make all my homework disappear. Usually, 3 hour shifts aren't too bad, but when it's work from 9 PM to 12 AM, well, my contacts start shifting.
With a Soup At Hand, and my DOC 2: Justice book on my desk, I wonder where all my time went today. Then I realize it went into catching up on sleep in between classes. Setting my alarm right after class so I can go back to my room, sleep, and wake up in time for class, for hip hop class, and then for work. goodness.


This looks so deliciously comfortable, I just want to sleep for that feeling of peace, at the end of the day. Only, I'm sleeping at the beginning of a hectic day, and all the periods inbetween them.

I feel like I should have a reset button somewhere on my body, so I can restart and not have to worry about yesterday/today/tomorrow.

I learned that my paycheck coming tomorrow will only have four hours worth, because the day i started working was the last cutoff day for the pay period. So I'll have about...32 dollars on it. But..better than nothing, right? And then...I learned that two weeks later, I'll have more shifts = more pay = greater savings in my account = no worries. (: 

In other news, I realize how much facebook is involved in our lives. When you don't want to see anymore notifications about a friend (whether it's bad drama or just an ex-friend, etc.), you defriend them. simple, right? But you hesitate, because what if he/she notices, or other people notice? You hesitate, wondering if it'll break any chances of anything; is it worth it? It's a step in moving on---but what if it automatically kills any chances---are there any chances? It takes so much thought and worry to post something, to defriend or add a friend, and not to mention it takes up time with Facebook Tetris, Word Challenge, and Bumper Stickers. My life was much simpler without facebook.

It's currently...2:39 AM, and I feel wide awake, my stomach is grumbling, and the bed looks no longer appealing, compared to that nice sunny room in the picture i posted. I feel like I need to get out, make friends, run away from the past and find something and someone that makes me feel like myself again. Sunny, warm, innocent, happy, friendly. But I sit in somewhat dim, artificial light, and my eyes are weary.

I have so many things to say, that this post makes no sense anymore. Back to my case summary: Parents Involved in Community Schools v. Seattle School District (2006). 50 something pages, one down. XO